There's something special about animated porn. Not the kind that comes from Japan, that's just... well, that's a different situation entirely, but the unique sort of western-styled animated porn that more often than not is CGI. Animated porn of that variety really seems to have a vision, a voice--it's very easy to see that the creators are saying "I am extremely interested in the idea of watching a woman fucking an ant. With tentacles." To these visionaries, it's not enough to shove a woman in a room with a well-endowed man wearing an ant mask while wielding several dildos. No, they know that in this day and age, it has to be possible to show their image exactly as it appears in their head; that there's nothing that can stop them from producing, from the sweat of their own brow, the exact anal-to-mandible shot they wanted to see. To the Photoshop!
And then there's Pornotopia. A joint effort between apparent husband and wife team Sagèmonn and Karynna, Pornotopia is a small porn studio that does primarily animation, and that is distributed through Cherry Boxxx Pictures. God bless Cherry Boxxx Pictures, there's no question what they're about. Pornotopia is sort of like a travel sized toothbrush--the point is obvious, but they're basically ineffectual at what they're attempting. They're also so small that I was mildly concerned that purchasing one of their videos meant that I owned part of their house. Still, given what they're working with, what they produce can't really be described as all bad. Mostly bad. Pretty bad. But in a way, it's kind of an achievement.
Let's talk about Zuma.
Pornomation 2 or, I guess, Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator, is the second in the Pornomation series, so I guess it's meant to showcase what they can do once they've had a bit of practice. I've not seen Pornomation 1, though it features a robot on the cover, which can usually only be described as a good thing. The problem is that I've seen Pornomation 2, so I know this is a lie. (Note: if anyone is brave enough to watch Pornomation 1, let me know. I want to find out if your cognitive ability has changed any.) Zuma, as I will call both the film and the title character from now on, starts out with two shorts, for no real discernible reason--the first involves a flying, rainbow coloured pair that floats gently among the clouds of the setting sun, copulating wildly as a storm rises, the lightning flashing against their bodies, and then the whole world resting in peace as their union produces a rainbow in the night sky. The second involves a woman who becomes horny after spilling a drink on herself, and then fucks a man made of water. You can see through him. This is horrifying.
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
The movie proper starts with a...baby? Being kidnapped? By aliens? From Stonehenge? Frankly, I'm not entirely sure what was happening here--look for this to be a theme throughout the movie--so I'll skip to the scene that involves someone fucking something. Zuma, after being purchased as a slave by a monstrous green alien man, decides to interpret 'clean this house' as 'have sex with the dongly part of a rusty vacuum cleaner until it appears to orgasm.' Her master, in frustration that she 'pussy-wiped' his small appliances to death--and after viewing an extremely plot convenient news program--decides to enter her into the NymphOlympics. If you think I've gone crazy and just started making up strange words, then I pity you your innocence.
A note about Zuma's first owner, who is important for two reasons: one, as the only other main character for the first third of the movie, he is burdened with the task of feeding our heroine a lot of exposition, which means that he talks pretty much anytime he is on camera. Two, his voice actor is horrible (further research concludes that he, and in fact the entire male cast, was voice by Sagemonn. Cheers, mate). Every word he says makes me think fondly of fingernails on a chalkboard. His voice is so awful to listen to that I, purely out of self-preservation, tuned out everything he said. As a result a lot of the movie was very confusing.
Plus he looks like this.
The bulk of the action occurs at the actual NymphOlympics, while a lot of the story is ground out in between by gravely Sagemonn-voiced horrors. The idea behind these games is supposed to be to get your opponent to orgasm before you do, and the extremely convenient plot means that Zuma always goes up against something that has a suspiciously dong-like part. Some highlights--a large beast with a beard made of dongs. A small hairy man who Zuma fellates while bench pressing him. A silvery, one-eyed, scorpion tailed alien who Zuma kills with sex. An ant.
with tentacles
Throughout all this the FUCKING GREEN ALIEN AH GOD NO keeps popping up to provide what I'm guessing are important bits of story, until he finally dies. I was too busy celebrating to really pay attention to what happened next, so by the next time I looked up Zuma was suddenly the property of a pie-faced alien, who appears to be some sort of mobster. At this point the story becomes confusing, though I vividly remember a point that involved the heroine being gang-fucked by a load of small pineapple men. Also she was... dancing with a bottle shaped like a penis?
Oh God, kill it before it can get naked!
Once the story returns to some semblance of normalcy (ha!), it turns out that someone has appeared who can BEAT ZUMA AT THE NYMPHOLYMPICS! Who could this mystery creature be?! In case you haven't wrapped your mind around the story-telling style of the Pornotopia clan yet, it's a human male. Another extremely plot convenient news cast forces them to have crazy human sex twice--which Zuma loses, and is nearly killed over. In a twist worthy of the greatest fan fiction writer ever, the guy in charge of the NymphOlympics shows up and proclaims Zuma the actual winner, in fact, don't argue with a deus ex machina, and everything lives happily ever after. Zuma runs out in the rain screaming triumphantly.
Though she never, ever takes off that stupid outfit
So, is Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator a good porn? Well, no. You feel badly for the creators, valiantly naming off the programs they used in the end credits ("Adobe Photoshop, oh boy!") and you're sort of inclined to excitedly point out to other people when a bit of animation is surprisingly good, as if that excuses the horrible pink worm penises that pop up on occasion and wobble around independent of their owners' movements (and at one point just expel brown fluid, constantly. It's a wonder they showed that one in as long and as tight of a shot as possible). But it does have little random bits that make it funny, like a giant, jabba the hutt styled alien watching the telly alone, in his apartment, for a solid 2 minutes. The problem is that you don't always want fat aliens in your porn, humourous or not. Oh well. Maybe they learned better by the third one.
Hahahahaha.
